Chill-dren

If you think I mispelled that, you're an idiot. Because if there's one characteristic that should be installed in kids these days, they should know how to chill the fuck out. Let me put things into perspective here: You are hanging out, having a decent coffee moment, slowly sipping your decaff cafe au lait with organic soy milk from a goat (whatever the fuck that means) and just people watching (OK, by people watching I mean guys looking at cleavages and girls looking at another girl's cleavage) a sudden burst of a really unsettling noise erupts from the other corner where you're sitting. You look around, locating that irritating wail and there it is, a hyena fucking shouting for attention from their already attention deprived parents. And so you say, "well, kids are just kids" right? Wrong! The only reason why kids today are loud, obnoxious and downright evil with their vocal levels is because daddy and mommy lets them. You know, all these "I wanna let my kid express himself" load of crap.

What I really don't understand about this concept is when parents tell me that they wanna be their childrens' friend rather than an authoritative figure. Seriously, being interested in kids myself (not in that kinda sick way, you moron), I totally agree by being their support system. Only thing is, how the fuck can they be your "friend" when they're freaking 5 years old? They probably think that daddy's a pussy because he can't even win an argument with his own kid for being too liberal. Remember those times when mummy tells you to eat that piece of blob called brocolli? You know what, let me just guide you through a graphical situation here:

Year : 2008
Scenario : Mother as "Mummy" and 5 year old daughter as "Lisa", the spoilt fucking brat, at the dinner table.
Mummy : Lisa, eat the vegs. It's good for you. It makes you strong and healthy.
Lisa : But I hate it. It tastes horrible.
Mummy : No, it tastes good. You're a little princess and princess likes vegetables. They make your skin smooth.
Lisa : No. I read the storybook and the princess seems to eat alot of nice food. Like chocolates.
Mummy : OK, if you finish this vegs, I will give you chocolates ok? It's in the fridge.
Lisa : Really?! Can I have the chocolates now? I'll promise to eat the vegs after the chocolates.
Mummy : No, you have to finish your dinner first.
Lisa : But I'm already full.

Next thing you know, Lisa ran straight to the fridge and down a whole bar of Nestle Crunch. Then mummy went "Oh no, what am I gonna do with her?"

Pathetic fucking scenario right? All these convincing tales and her kid went high on sugar instead. Also, if you could trace the negotiation in between. Fucking kid was actually trying to strike a deal with her mom! Now, if I could remember correctly, it went like this:

Year : 1985
Scenario : Mother as "Mummy" and 5 year old son as "Ben", the pitiful snob, at the dinner table.
Mummy : Ben, eat the vegs. (See here? She doesn't even sell him the reason)
Ben : But I hate it. It tastes horrible.

*SSSppppaaaapppp!!* - Aahh.. the ultimate swing, twist and slap* technic.

*Swing, twist and slap : Where mothers swings their palm towards their kids' cheek and angles an additional 10 degrees about a quarter inch to contact, for that extra zing on sting.

Mummy : You think daddy grows money on trees? You think petrol is cheap? You eat your fucking vegetables or I'm gonna disown and sell you off. Coz you might just be too expensive to rare.

If you think that was bad, imagine this : Daddy just got home from a hard day's work and found out from the Tigress that Ben hates vegetables. Daddy pulls out belt.....

Now that, my friend, is discipline. Negotiation is non-existence and pain equals to order. Seriously, if you wanna be their friend, at least let them have a brain that's developed first. Do you really think the Mamilgold XF 66 formula really makes them think better? You might as well just feed them crack. At least when they're passed out, you can continue your pathetic Korean drama for a full 16 hours.

So what's my solution? Beat the shit out of your kid till they're 16 (17 if they're not running away from home yet) and make them work the moment they have hair growing out of their armpit. Because if you don't, they will soon realise that the world's no fairy tale, and their prince charming might very well be a drunkard and rapes other princesses. Your kids are fighting for the same toy? Break that fucking doll and give them each a stick to play. At least they can learn self defense. Your kids are still running around after numerous warnings? Lock them in your store room. At least they can learn how to improvise their own toys. And if you hate your dad for forcing you to look at him fixing the heater, or your mom for telling you to clean the house when you were young, give them a call now and tell them how much you love them for making you half a snobbish whore that you already are. And if you're asking what the hell did I do for my parents, I've already registered them at the best old folks home in town with a premium membership. Coz I still remember how dad used those pliers on my fingers...

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At this age, they won't realise a thing even if you lock them up...