What Kinda Cock Are You?

A-O-Kay. Today, we're gonna bitch about things...wait a minute, we have ALWAYS bitch about things here. So this post will be somewhat of a sequel to the previous post. What's the follow up? To give the civil servants an ounce of dignity so they can actually feel better about themselves. Fast forward to the point, let's bitch about the private parts (pun intended) instead.

I met a prick. He has a penile head. He is a dark prick with a penile head. He is a dark prick with a penile head that's rude. And he works for a Japanese corporation and we should call this corporation... Hi-techi. Hi-techi has a very decent warehouse in terms of it's logistic size and operation platform. So while being awed by the system and the machines they were using, the admiration comes to a halt all of sudden. Why? Coz we met Attitude himself. You see, my job is to co-ordinate shipments to other countries and in order for the the goods to arrive to destinations, protocols are required. The goods being packed in place, the container being booked, the arrangement with the private inspector to inspect the goods so he can approve the shipment and lastly, the container to sail away.

So there we were at 11 on a hot fucking morning. After two and a half weeks of intense communication and CONFIRMATION with different parties and shit, we were there. Inside the warehouse. With my boss. Sweating exactly like a motherball that has just robbed a bank and ran another 2 kilometers to hide kinda sweating. So, all excited and shit to at last being able to send this chunk of metalshit away, there was nothing for us to see. No stocks, no container. Only us and an angry inspector. He wasn't pissed at us, he was a nice guy. Only angry. We are nice guys too, only angry as well but with a little attitude of course...heh. But this one motherfuckerwithadickassheadthatejaculatesprematurely was angry, and he's not nice. And he stinks. And he's ugly. And he happens to be the person in charge for the warehouse's morning shift.

Ok, so let's call this main character, Mr. Forkliftman. I can't mention names here because I might appear stereotypical. So figure how you might, if you really need know. We were directed to him because HE was SUPPOSE to pack our stocks in place. Not anyone else. So we approached him and ask for our goods, then he went "tatau! tatau!". Sounds like a man straight out of the jungle huh? "tatau! tatau! ohmlaga laga ngbilaybushnya!". Son of a bitch. Feeding words into our mouths with "dia orang cakap after lunch, jadi after lunch la!". Ok, reflection time. First, that dumbfuck must have thought that we are dumbfucks because I don't think we can be such dumbfucks to arrive at 11am if we were to arrange the inspection after lunch right? So I am right that he's the dumbfuck here.

All of sudden, my fairy-like brother stepped in front and said "So how now?!", with such anger and pissness I swear I saw him holding his fist preparing for a knuckle socker. But King of the Sun is here, and this time, it's wits time. "Why are we wasting time talking with a jungle man?" I said it right in front of Mr. Forkliftman, who's trying to fit a zebra bone across his lower lip. I called the person in charge and my brother conveniently pull the phone from me and told the management office that "Please be here now because this man here is not co-operative at all. Please don't waste our time".

Anyhoo, everything was settled later in the night. Yes, the night because we had to repeat the trip to the warehouse again. From this experience, I have come out with somewhat of a demographics* of what kinda cock you can be based on the different levels in a hierachy of a corporation :

*For entertainment purposes only. If you feel offended because you belong in these category, tough shit.

Receptionists
How cocky?
Best they can do is probably hanging up or transferring a call before we even have the chance to say who we want to talk to.
Famous lines?
"HelloHi-Techiproductsberhadhowcanihelpyou?..*click*music plays*". All within 2 seconds.
Best treated with?
A dildo up their arse. Then again, they might already have one up theirs.

Executives
How cocky?
Most probably rejecting your requests or questions by using their bosses as a defence weapon.
Famous lines?
"I don't know/care my boss said..."
Best treated with?
A reversed bear trap on their mouth. Snap! Boo-hoo.

Managers/Supervisors
How cocky?
They usually tells or fucks you base on their experience. Usually talks down to people who's at a lower post than them. Coz it took them 25 years to become one.
Famous lines?
"Let me tell you, the ONLY way to do this based on what I've gone through is......"
Best treated with?
An MD or a CEO who's your relative. Oh, bring some shoe wax, comes in handy for em managers.

CEOs
How cocky?
You can almost swear that their ears are made of testicles.Comes with ejaculation effects them moment they snap at you.
Famous lines?
Wait a minute, they don't need to talk. They just give you an evil stare.
Best treated with?
A Manager.

And lastly,

Mr. Forkliftman
How cocky?
All of the above mentioned cockiness.
Famous lines?
"tatau! tatau! ohmlaga laga ngbilaybushnya!"
Best treated with?
All of the above mentioned things. Tied with a rafia string.


Oh, in case you're wondering what Mr. Forkliftman does when he meets another Mr. Forkliftman like him,

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So insignificant that it turns funny.

Un-Civil-ized Servants

"Dah!" That was the last word I've heard the moment my brother finished submitting his EPF form. You know, the Employees Provident Isn't-really-that-Fun department. But before I proceed deeper into the details of how much us Malaysians are disgruntled by their overall performance, let me just highlight some of the things that have actually improved :

1. The building is clean
2. The building is cold with centralised unit air-conditioning system
3. The building has a take-your-number-and-shut-the-fuck-up-system
(*ding, dong* satu-dua-duduk-diam-diam, kaunter lapan)
4. The building has ample parking spots

You see, however much the government is trying to improve civil services, we'll always have that one problem : Attitude. The building is clean. Attitude fucked it up. The building smells good. Attitude fucked it up. Your ex just passed away. Attitude fucked everything up. Again, let's try to get on the same page here. Us, being responsible citizens, applies to the EPF to actually play our roles to help contribute to the country in certain ways. Then comes this guy, sitting in front of a HUGE acrylic wall plate behind that says "Anda Keutamaan Kami - You Are Our Priority"*, and decides to screw half your not-so-bad day to a not-so-ok-now day. Please bear in mind, he is a representative of the Ah Goong**.

* Not a joke, go to the EPF building and check it out.
** Cantonese version for the word "Government” which also means “Grandfather”".

Our number got displayed after 40 mins or so, and my brother did a mistake that wasn't entirely his. He forgot... as a matter of fact, he didn't forget, he wasn't informed at all. Nothing on the application form says anything about "salinan IC". So comes the question, if we can't even keep the public informed or reminded of things on a piece of document, what more behind the counter itself?! And we’re supposed to know. If you’re registering a new account, you’re most probably a first timer right? Bloody common sense here. Unlike passport, if you forget your IC, then you might as well just be shot. Or just leave the country in an Indonesian speed boat for your embarrassment.

So you see, the big picture here isn’t really the A-hole’s problem, although he should be taught to at least communicate with a little more decency. The main problem is, the big guns up there do not view the government sectors as a business entity by itself. If the EPF is a product or in this case a service, the public should very well be their customers. And when there’s A LOT of customers, there should be a thing called CUSTOMER SERVICE. Common sense right? Wrong! And you know what? You’re suppose to commit your life in this fund contribution. Unless you wanna be your own boss and sell dope for a living. Then again, you might commit your life contributing your anus to prison uniformed sodomisers. Unless of course, you’re a fag…

Ok, back to the nice building. So we walked briskly towards the cafeteria where a 20 cents photcopy machine is, and walked back to the counter where that sourshitball was sitting. To our surprise, the document was processed. But do you know what fucked it up again? Attitude. Foo-yoh... it was as though we pissed him off because HIS company did not informed us about the photocopy bullshit. His face was very much screaming for a knuckle socker (that's a fist for you civil counter servants who doesn't understand). 2 minits later, "DAH!". That was it. No thank you, no smile. Just a my-family-members-just-died-just-now face and that was fucking it.

After 40 mins of waiting, 3 mins of processing and one quarter of a second for "DAH!". He can’t spare another quarter second for “Thank you” or “Terima Kasih”. Or cut it short with “Tima Kasih”. Motherfuckballs. You know what, I'm so damn annoyed now that I don't even know which direction this post is getting to. It's not gonna be funny and truthfully, there'll be no god damn punchline in this writeup. However, if I were to have a chance to teach "Mister Mukamasam" some manners, I will not hesitate to use the most powerful weapon of all. No, you smart fucks, I don’t mean words or smart statements, I mean this :

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A Heckler & Koch USP .45 ACP. Just by the way it sounds, you know this is a real killer. Teach anyone any lesson without even having to discharge it. Just point and teach. If you have a kid, forget about that rotan cane or those sissy “time outs”. Just remember, when all else fails :

Point & Teach. With a H&K USP that is…

If you've not been getting laid lately...

... dig your ears. Seriously. Many of the people I know ( the weird and the retardedly weird ones), DO enjoy digging their ears. But not with those pansy Q-Tip cotton bud types. I'm talking about those made in China type of silver ear picks, or how the pharmacists call em the "ear curette". I don't know them medical jargons but I bet most just call it the "dig ear metal stick" or "ear shit stick" or how I would call it.. the "ear dildo". Ahh..the only dildo where both men and women can use. Unless of course you're gay and you like the conventional 8 incher vibrators in yourself... but hey, it's all about preference right?

Aaannnyway... let's get back to this 8 centimeters model. Batteries are not required, cleaning's made easy with just water or some tissues, so the only thing you need are skills. Yes, you heard this motherballs right: SKILLS. Just like sex I guess. Only that your wrist actions determines the sound you hear (literally). Now, let's try to co-ordinate my metaphor here: You know the feeling when you think you've gone a little too deep with that ear pick but yet, you would still wanna try your luck to proceed deeper, hoping to "curette" a bigger shitball out of your hear-hole? Ahh.. that's exactly what I mean. Or how you would keep trying to dig along the walls even though you know damn sure that it's already squeaky clean inside? I mean.. you just want more. So you dig, dig, dig and dig until you get the ultimate: The MOTHERSHITBALL ! *guitar solo with orchestra as backup plays in the background*. Size of half a pop corn weighing at about 2 grams a piece. Let me just tell you, if there's an award for ear-digging, that would be the shape of that trophy.

I hope that will paint a clearer picture what an ear-digging experience is all about. For further info, please go to the nearest pasar malam and locate the chinese dood who sells hair bands and hair pins. They usually have a bunch of em lying around in a small container. Just so you know how it looks like, I've did some research* in trying out a myriad of ear dildos myself. Being a nice motherballs that I am, I guess it's only right to actually give some reviews right? Yes, I am.

* by research, you should already know that it's a ball of bullshit. But you should read on anyway.



1. THE BASIC

Design :
The fundamental design of them lot. This is where an ear curetter starts.

Practicality :
Good contour on the tip with easy maneuverability. Grip and tip ratio is just nice.

Score :
4/5. Can't beat this evergreen design. Nothing fancy but the ear dildo evolution was based on this design. Just dig it and feel it.



2. THE UPGRADE

Design :
This is where the digging evolves. A longer grip with a hollow wire tip instead of the conventional cup. Gentle on the hear-hole.

Practicality :
Depends very much on your skills. Beginners might find it hard to gauge the length of The Upgrade. Some just unknowingly puncture their ear drums before they can even say "Holy Motherballs!"

Score :
3/5. A teethed grip didn't really work although it seems like there is a function. Bad on the length. Good if you have a nagging wife.


3. THE CHINA - CAN - DO - IT - BETTER - WITH - LIGHTS

Design :
Equipped with not one, but two mini cell batteries (like those in your watch), it is actually lighted up with a small LED when turned on.

Practicality :
Hmm... why the hell would you wanna illuminate your ear-hole when you can't even see it? Unless of course someone is digging it for you. But what a waste of fun.

Score :
2.5/5. OK, it's getting quite a decent rating because of the softer plastic material. This is one for the people who likes to dig other people's ear.


4. THE OH-SO-CUTE-JAPAN

Design :
Made from bamboo. Splat with a Hell Kitty at the diggers end.

Practicality :
Made from bamboo. Splat with a Hell Kitty at the diggers end.

Score :
/5. Honestly, I have no interest whatsoever in talking about this piece of shit. As a matter of fact, I think it looks like those green tea powder spoon you find in Gengki Sushi. Fuckedidoo my friend....fuckedidoo...



5. THE FUTURE

Design :
Hi-grade soft plastic tip with an attached nano camera at the bottom. This is the future of the ear digging industry.

Practicality :
Almost perfect. Camera attached to the ear pick that transfers your darker than dark ear hole to a monitor for easy viewing. Magnified to a comfortable screen size.

Score :
1/5. Why? Because it's made by doctors for doctors. Period. Costs 3000 US Cheddars... just for the pick. An additional 1000 for the cable connector, 1500 for the monitor and oh, 500 for Dr. Sakyurmarnee to dig it.


Now ladies and gentlemen... after all this reviews, there has gotta be one that I would really like right? But I just realised that the oommphh from these ear picks are kinda pansy in some way. So what better way than to design one myself. So, I hereby present...


THE ULTIMATE!

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TRX 300z XXi WW













You don't wanna fuck around with this one. To be able to afford this piece of brilliance is one story. To actually use it is another. You have to get a Class A digger's license (www.jabatanpengorektelingabersatunegara.com - JPTBN) before you can even hold it in your hands.

Come equipped with a 12 Volt modular battery with hammer action, have you any idea how powerful this chunk of metal genius is? It cleans your right ear all the way to your left and in between, it cleans you nose and reorganizes your already messed up brain. Oh yeah, don't try to nick my whizful design, patent is already pending!