If you've not been getting laid lately...

... dig your ears. Seriously. Many of the people I know ( the weird and the retardedly weird ones), DO enjoy digging their ears. But not with those pansy Q-Tip cotton bud types. I'm talking about those made in China type of silver ear picks, or how the pharmacists call em the "ear curette". I don't know them medical jargons but I bet most just call it the "dig ear metal stick" or "ear shit stick" or how I would call it.. the "ear dildo". Ahh..the only dildo where both men and women can use. Unless of course you're gay and you like the conventional 8 incher vibrators in yourself... but hey, it's all about preference right?

Aaannnyway... let's get back to this 8 centimeters model. Batteries are not required, cleaning's made easy with just water or some tissues, so the only thing you need are skills. Yes, you heard this motherballs right: SKILLS. Just like sex I guess. Only that your wrist actions determines the sound you hear (literally). Now, let's try to co-ordinate my metaphor here: You know the feeling when you think you've gone a little too deep with that ear pick but yet, you would still wanna try your luck to proceed deeper, hoping to "curette" a bigger shitball out of your hear-hole? Ahh.. that's exactly what I mean. Or how you would keep trying to dig along the walls even though you know damn sure that it's already squeaky clean inside? I mean.. you just want more. So you dig, dig, dig and dig until you get the ultimate: The MOTHERSHITBALL ! *guitar solo with orchestra as backup plays in the background*. Size of half a pop corn weighing at about 2 grams a piece. Let me just tell you, if there's an award for ear-digging, that would be the shape of that trophy.

I hope that will paint a clearer picture what an ear-digging experience is all about. For further info, please go to the nearest pasar malam and locate the chinese dood who sells hair bands and hair pins. They usually have a bunch of em lying around in a small container. Just so you know how it looks like, I've did some research* in trying out a myriad of ear dildos myself. Being a nice motherballs that I am, I guess it's only right to actually give some reviews right? Yes, I am.

* by research, you should already know that it's a ball of bullshit. But you should read on anyway.



1. THE BASIC

Design :
The fundamental design of them lot. This is where an ear curetter starts.

Practicality :
Good contour on the tip with easy maneuverability. Grip and tip ratio is just nice.

Score :
4/5. Can't beat this evergreen design. Nothing fancy but the ear dildo evolution was based on this design. Just dig it and feel it.



2. THE UPGRADE

Design :
This is where the digging evolves. A longer grip with a hollow wire tip instead of the conventional cup. Gentle on the hear-hole.

Practicality :
Depends very much on your skills. Beginners might find it hard to gauge the length of The Upgrade. Some just unknowingly puncture their ear drums before they can even say "Holy Motherballs!"

Score :
3/5. A teethed grip didn't really work although it seems like there is a function. Bad on the length. Good if you have a nagging wife.


3. THE CHINA - CAN - DO - IT - BETTER - WITH - LIGHTS

Design :
Equipped with not one, but two mini cell batteries (like those in your watch), it is actually lighted up with a small LED when turned on.

Practicality :
Hmm... why the hell would you wanna illuminate your ear-hole when you can't even see it? Unless of course someone is digging it for you. But what a waste of fun.

Score :
2.5/5. OK, it's getting quite a decent rating because of the softer plastic material. This is one for the people who likes to dig other people's ear.


4. THE OH-SO-CUTE-JAPAN

Design :
Made from bamboo. Splat with a Hell Kitty at the diggers end.

Practicality :
Made from bamboo. Splat with a Hell Kitty at the diggers end.

Score :
/5. Honestly, I have no interest whatsoever in talking about this piece of shit. As a matter of fact, I think it looks like those green tea powder spoon you find in Gengki Sushi. Fuckedidoo my friend....fuckedidoo...



5. THE FUTURE

Design :
Hi-grade soft plastic tip with an attached nano camera at the bottom. This is the future of the ear digging industry.

Practicality :
Almost perfect. Camera attached to the ear pick that transfers your darker than dark ear hole to a monitor for easy viewing. Magnified to a comfortable screen size.

Score :
1/5. Why? Because it's made by doctors for doctors. Period. Costs 3000 US Cheddars... just for the pick. An additional 1000 for the cable connector, 1500 for the monitor and oh, 500 for Dr. Sakyurmarnee to dig it.


Now ladies and gentlemen... after all this reviews, there has gotta be one that I would really like right? But I just realised that the oommphh from these ear picks are kinda pansy in some way. So what better way than to design one myself. So, I hereby present...


THE ULTIMATE!

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TRX 300z XXi WW













You don't wanna fuck around with this one. To be able to afford this piece of brilliance is one story. To actually use it is another. You have to get a Class A digger's license (www.jabatanpengorektelingabersatunegara.com - JPTBN) before you can even hold it in your hands.

Come equipped with a 12 Volt modular battery with hammer action, have you any idea how powerful this chunk of metal genius is? It cleans your right ear all the way to your left and in between, it cleans you nose and reorganizes your already messed up brain. Oh yeah, don't try to nick my whizful design, patent is already pending!